In the aftermath of the loss of our daughter, I knew that our lives were forever changed. But in some ways, the changes that we’ve experienced have been unexpected. We have become friends with a neighbor we’d never met before that tragic day. As a child, one of her siblings died, and she felt a connection to us through our loss. She brought a number of meals to us, and spent a number of evenings at our place, chatting.
Yesterday, she called my wife. Friends of hers had just experienced their own tragic loss and she wanted our suggestions as to how to respond. As a family that had just recently suffered a loss, what insight did we have as to what she could do to help her friends in their time of grief.
Her friends had a new son, just two months old. He was born at 37 weeks (almost a full term pregnancy), but only weighed 4 lbs. at birth (which is extremely small for a 37 week birth). However, he seemed healthy and was gaining weight rapidly, so all seemed well. Tuesday evening, his father was holding the baby on his chest and dozed off. When he woke up, the baby was dead. An investigation is underway to determine the cause of death, but the initial theory is SIDS.
In addition to the trauma of losing a child, this family now has to undergo the additional trauma of being the focus of a thorough police investigation. I understand that the father was subjected to a lengthy questioning by detectives, and I’m sure that the police will be interviewing everyone close to the family. I can’t even imagine how much more painful this must make everything for the family. As difficult as our loss was, the causes were pretty obvious, so there wasn’t any need for an intensive investigation. My heart goes out to this family as they struggle through their ordeal.
I found my wife’s response to all this commendable. Her focus went almost immediately to the family’s other child, a 3 year old girl. While I’m not sure how much a three year old will understand in a situation like this, she is going to be upset, if only because everyone else is upset. My wife gathered a few of the stuffed animals that our daughter loved so much and passed them along to our neighbor. My wife suggested that if the little girl is having trouble coping with the loss of her new brother, they could tell her that our daughter would look after him, but our daughter needs someone to take care of her animals. Hopefully, this would give her something other than the loss to focus on. I thought it was a nice gesture, and it seems to have been therapeutic for my wife as well.
Yesterday, she called my wife. Friends of hers had just experienced their own tragic loss and she wanted our suggestions as to how to respond. As a family that had just recently suffered a loss, what insight did we have as to what she could do to help her friends in their time of grief.
Her friends had a new son, just two months old. He was born at 37 weeks (almost a full term pregnancy), but only weighed 4 lbs. at birth (which is extremely small for a 37 week birth). However, he seemed healthy and was gaining weight rapidly, so all seemed well. Tuesday evening, his father was holding the baby on his chest and dozed off. When he woke up, the baby was dead. An investigation is underway to determine the cause of death, but the initial theory is SIDS.
In addition to the trauma of losing a child, this family now has to undergo the additional trauma of being the focus of a thorough police investigation. I understand that the father was subjected to a lengthy questioning by detectives, and I’m sure that the police will be interviewing everyone close to the family. I can’t even imagine how much more painful this must make everything for the family. As difficult as our loss was, the causes were pretty obvious, so there wasn’t any need for an intensive investigation. My heart goes out to this family as they struggle through their ordeal.
I found my wife’s response to all this commendable. Her focus went almost immediately to the family’s other child, a 3 year old girl. While I’m not sure how much a three year old will understand in a situation like this, she is going to be upset, if only because everyone else is upset. My wife gathered a few of the stuffed animals that our daughter loved so much and passed them along to our neighbor. My wife suggested that if the little girl is having trouble coping with the loss of her new brother, they could tell her that our daughter would look after him, but our daughter needs someone to take care of her animals. Hopefully, this would give her something other than the loss to focus on. I thought it was a nice gesture, and it seems to have been therapeutic for my wife as well.
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